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How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.