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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.