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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!