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Somedays I could do without the life lesson
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.