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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.