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I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.