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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
My mom says I`m special.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.