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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
Boys will be boys... unless they get a sex change.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.