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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.