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When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
But what if bygones want to be something else? ;)
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Iām totally fine with favoritism as long as Iām the favorite.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.