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I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.