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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.