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There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?