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Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!