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Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.