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Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
I dare you to spit on this status.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
Hash browns not tags.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!