Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.