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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
lol I rotfl
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."