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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......