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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.