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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom