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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
sleep is for people without netflix
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.