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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.