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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.