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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
why me is me ?
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.