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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
Christmas time always make me blue :-(( and then red, then green, then oh wow.. presents...
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.