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I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.