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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!