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Worry: a waste of imagination.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds