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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.