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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.