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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."