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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.