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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....