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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
Some of my best memories are naps.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?