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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business