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I need new swear words.
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
My innocent look never works in the nude.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING