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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.