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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.