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My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Running behind is my cardio.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.