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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.