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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.