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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....