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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.