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The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.