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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.