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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.