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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
I get my cardio from caffeine...
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.