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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.