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Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.