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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.