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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.