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Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.