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Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.