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You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."