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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........