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Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.