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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.