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Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.