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SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
Boys will be boys... unless they get a sex change.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone