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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me