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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.