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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside