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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?