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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”