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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.