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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.