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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.