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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...