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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
My sleep number is 100 proof.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.