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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
A man is as faithful as his options
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.