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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.