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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
Does running out of money count as exercise?
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned