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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah`s witnesses of the internet.
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!