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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.