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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.