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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
Own the day
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.