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You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell