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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.