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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.