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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.