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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?