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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
I should come with a warning label.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.