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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.