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Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.