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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!