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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
You are here: X
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.