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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?